I have long struggled with my mental health. Though I have gotten better once I was able to get a better job, depression unfortunately doesn’t always just go away. Even though it’s not as severe as it once was, even though there are longer stretches of good periods and shorter stretches of bad ones, it is still with me, and it is still something that I struggle with.

I have tried several times to go to therapy before. I went when it was free at my college, until I was told I would need to find a new therapist since the student who had been assigned to me was moving forward with her program. I tried group therapy as well, which I didn’t really fit with me that much.

Other times in my adult life, I would try but would find the task of googling and working with the insurance company just way too daunting. So, I did what I could on my own.

But recently I realized that I had come as far as I could by myself. I was able to identify that I have trouble creating and maintaining interpersonal relationship, and I was able to identify that I experience a lot of suspicion of people’s intentions and motivations.

When I went to my therapy appointment today, I discussed that this is my primary goal. After living for nearly two years in Utah, I still have no friends or a support system here. I want to change that, but I do not know how, and I am hoping that therapy will help.

It was very strange experience because the therapist considered the reasons that I have these and other difficulties is because of trauma. I am constantly second guessing myself because I feel that I should be fine. I always wonder if I am faking it. Like, even on the way I was like, I feel fine this weekend (even though last weekend I was literally incapable of doing anything and was lying on bed trying to watch Gravity Falls because I was unable to do anything else because of how poorly I was feeling), everything is fake and I am just lazy, ungrateful, selfish, etc.

But these things aren’t true. In a way, after speaking with my therapist, I’m glad that I went on a “good” week because it allowed me to think clearly, and I was able to clearly identify my goals.

My therapist warned me that I wouldn’t be able to change tomorrow, and that it would be hard work, but the good news is that I think I’m in a place where I’m ready for that kind of work, when before I wasn’t.

We’ll see what happens next.


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