I’ve decided to edit the NanoWriMo I wrote in 2014 with the intention of putting it up on on my KDP store.
Here are the snippets in the several pages I read through today that a) made me realize I have improved as a writer in the last two years (good news!) and b) made me smile:
One Direction’s Steal My Girl blasted from the stereos wired outside of the facility and this must have been what? The fifth time she’d heard it at least since last night.
Steal My Girl, really?? This deserves two question marks because I’ve not been a huge One Direction fan. I say this as my Pandora station is actually based on One Direction. I might be slightly understating my affection for One Direction. That said, Steal My Girl is catchy, but it’s also not the song that comes to mind when I’m thinking about One D. I can only conclude that this particular song was on Pandora when I was writing this section.
Mina glanced down at her wrist, at the Mickey Mouse watch someone had brought from Disney World before she was born (because it had been her mother’s), the one with his faded yellow gloves, leather so old and worn the black cracked into grey wrinkles.
I legitimately forgot that I did this. To be completely honest, I’ve forgotten about 95% of this story. But reading this was like a billboard reading Petty Much as I drive by because this watch exists. This was a watch that my aunt used to wear all the time–I don’t know if she still wears it. My aunt is extremely homophobic, and we are no longer on good terms because she spewed some truly ugly homophobic bullshit to me some years back. I don’t remember if I wrote this before or after this specific instance but I also wasn’t surprised it came from her so my way of getting back at her is putting one of her signature possessions on my gay character.
Mina licked her chapped lips as her gaze fell on the soda machines, already hooked up and put together. She slid her hand in her pocket and pulled out her tube of lip balm, slathered her lips with cheap chapstick like she was your ch-ch-cherry bomb.
I guess the reference isn’t bad in and of itself, but it is crafted not very well. Also, for someone who does not listen to a lot of music outside of the top forties, I am referencing a lot of music. This one is from the Runaways.
It was Ruby the mortician, Ruby who was almost named after Wednesday Addams but came a day too early. So Ruby Tuesday just like the song.
“Mina held t-rex bait still”
You know those articles that get circled around on occasion listing “terrible” metaphors written by poor kids who are just trying to pass the same class? This should be on one of those lists. An attempt was made. I haven’t decided if I am going to keep this or not.
Someone had done her nails a pink so pail a ghost would blush
My heart is in the right place, but a) haha typo and b) why would a ghost blush at pale pink nails? I know this metaphor will work with a bit of tweaking, and I will make it work because I really like this sentence.
“I want him gone. I want him fired. I want him back in the cold, hard ground.”
“This isn’t a goddamn Taylor Swift song,” the manager said. “I’m tired of this. I’m tired of you whining about your hours. I’m tired of dealing with this shit.”
I had not listened to a lot of Taylor Swift when I wrote this (thumbs down on Pandora) nor had I listened to this song but I was aware of it and so I went with it but. It feels really forced.
I’m sure there’ll be more but these were in the segment that I read today